You’ve been seeking for years. You’ve read the books. You’ve done the practices. You’ve shown up, again and again, reaching for something that seems to recede the closer you get.
And now the practices feel empty. The books no longer inspire. The longing that once drove you has faded into something between resignation and despair.
You wonder if you’ve been fooling yourself. Maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe this was all a waste.
If this describes you, read on. This season is not the end.
Sophia’s Waiting
The Pistis Sophia records Sophia’s descent into chaos and her long journey back to the light. What strikes many readers is how long that journey takes.
Sophia doesn’t offer one repentance and get immediately rescued. She offers thirteen. The texts describe her waiting through repeated cycles of hope and disappointment, through mockery from the archons, through periods when rescue seemed to be coming and then didn’t arrive.
After her thirteenth repentance, light-power finally descends to assist her. But even then, she isn’t immediately restored. She’s lifted to a higher region of chaos, where she waits further before continuing her ascent.
The waiting is part of the path.
If Sophia, divine Wisdom herself, had to wait through thirteen cycles of turning toward the light before help came, why would you expect your journey to be shorter?
The Mockery of the Archons
The texts describe hostile powers mocking Sophia during her waiting. They see her suffering and take pleasure in it. They taunt her, suggesting that her situation is permanent, that help will never come, that she was foolish to have hoped.
This has a psychological analogue. When you’re in a spiritual desert, voices arise that mock your seeking.
You’ve been at this for years and you’re no further along.
Other people have breakthrough experiences. You just have drought.
Maybe you’re not spiritual. Maybe you’re just deluding yourself.
The light you thought you saw was wishful thinking. There’s nothing there.
These voices feel like your own thoughts. They feel like realistic assessments of your situation. But the Gnostic framework offers another interpretation: these are the archons speaking. The powers that benefit from your sleep don’t want you to wake up. They’ll use any tool available, including discouragement, to keep you from continuing.
Sophia heard the mockery. She kept repenting anyway.
Forgetfulness is the Enemy
The Gospel of Truth identifies the root problem not as sin but as forgetfulness. We’ve forgotten who we are. We’ve forgotten where we came from. We’ve forgotten that the light within us connects us to the Pleroma.
During spiritual dryness, forgetfulness intensifies. The insights you once had grow dim. The experiences that convinced you there was more become distant memories, easily doubted. The connection you felt to something larger fades until you wonder if you imagined it.
This is not failure. This is the nature of the enemy.
The counterfeit spirit works through forgetfulness. It wants you to forget your divine origin. It wants you to forget what you glimpsed in your moments of clarity. It wants you to conclude that the darkness is all there is.
Remembering is an act of resistance.
Even when you can’t feel the light, you can remember that you once felt it. Even when the practices seem empty, you can remember that they once weren’t. Even when doubt overwhelms you, you can remember that something drew you to this path in the first place.
That something is still there. Forgetfulness has covered it, but it hasn’t destroyed it.
The Commandment Came When the Time Was Fulfilled
The Gnostic texts speak of timing. The commandment to rescue Sophia came “when the time was fulfilled.” Christ was sent into the world “in the fullness of time.”
Not earlier than the right moment. Not when Sophia first asked. Not when she’d offered three repentances, or seven, or ten. When the time was fulfilled.
We don’t control the timing.
This is one of the hardest lessons of the spiritual path. You can’t force awakening. You can’t demand that the light come on your schedule. You can prepare, you can persist, you can keep turning toward what you seek, but you can’t make it happen when you decide.
The waiting isn’t wasted time. Something is happening in the waiting, even when you can’t perceive it. The soul is being prepared. The conditions are being arranged. The time is approaching fulfillment.
You can’t see this from inside the waiting. That’s part of what makes it so hard. But the teaching is consistent: the help comes when the time is right, not when you think it should.
What to Do in the Desert
When the practices feel empty and the seeking seems fruitless, what can you do?
Keep showing up. Even empty practice is practice. Even going through the motions maintains the shape of what you’re reaching for. The form can hold the space until the content returns.
Sophia didn’t stop repenting because her repentances didn’t seem to work. She offered the thirteenth even though the first twelve hadn’t brought rescue. Eventually, the form was filled.
Remember. When you can’t feel the light, remember when you could. Write down your insights while they’re fresh, so you have them when the drought comes. Read your own words from better times.
The tradition places great emphasis on anamnesis, remembering. Forgetting is the disease; remembering is part of the cure.
Resist the mockers. When voices tell you to give up, recognize them for what they are. The archons don’t want you to continue. Their discouragement is evidence that your seeking threatens them.
You don’t have to argue with the voices. You just have to keep going despite them.
Lower your expectations for what you’ll feel. In dry seasons, you won’t have ecstatic experiences. You won’t feel flooded with light. You won’t have breakthrough insights.
That’s okay. This season isn’t about feeling. It’s about persistence. The same fidelity that seemed joyful in better times now becomes grim determination. That’s still fidelity.
Trust the process you can’t see. Something is happening in the waiting. The soul is being worked on beneath the level of your awareness. Seeds planted in previous seasons are germinating in the dark.
You can’t verify this. You have to take it on faith. But the teaching is consistent: the waiting prepares the breakthrough. The desert precedes the promised land.
A Word for the Long-Term Seekers
Some of you have been at this for decades. You’ve weathered multiple cycles of engagement and drought. You’ve seen others have experiences you’ve never had. You’ve wondered, quietly, if something is wrong with you.
Nothing is wrong with you.
Long seeking doesn’t indicate spiritual deficiency. Sophia was divine Wisdom, and she still had to wait through thirteen repentances. Duration isn’t a measure of failure.
And here’s something else: your long faithfulness is itself the path. The persistence, the continued showing up, the refusal to abandon the search despite years of difficulty: that is transformation, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
You’re not failing to find what you seek. You’re becoming what you seek through the very process of seeking.
The Season Will Change
Seasons change. This is the nature of seasons.
The desert won’t last forever. The night will end. The waiting will conclude. You don’t know when, because you can’t control the timing. But nothing in the Gnostic texts suggests that faithful seeking is permanently unrewarded.
Sophia’s repentances led to songs of praise. Thirteen cycles of turning toward the light preceded eleven songs of thanksgiving. The same texts that describe the suffering also describe the restoration.
Your season will change.
When it does, remember this one. Not to dwell in its pain, but to have compassion for others walking through it. Your drought will become your ministry to others in drought.
For Right Now
If you’re reading this in the middle of a dry season, here is what I want you to know:
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re not uniquely unable to find what others find. Your seeking is not wasted. Your waiting is not meaningless.
The light you once glimpsed is still real. The practices that once fed you can feed you again. The path you’re walking leads somewhere, even when you can’t see the destination.
Keep going.
Not because you feel like it. You don’t feel like it. Keep going anyway.
The time is approaching fulfillment. Help is on its way. The season will change.
Until then: persist.
This post draws from the Pistis Sophia, the Gospel of Truth, and centuries of mystical wisdom about the dark night of the soul. If you’re in a season of struggle, you’re not alone.